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Fellow Socialists! I have intercepted a copy of the forthcoming DNC platform well before its public release. And this despite routine interference with my internet access by the fascist Bush regime. It is time to kick our legs out while squating in a celebratory dance incomprehensible to corrupt sheep-pimp Americans! Because of Democrats, we are now half of the American polity! The document follows:
THE OFFICIAL PLATFORM OF THE DEMOCRAT PARTY (USA)
1.We must withdraw our brave, helpless troops from the quagmire that is Iraq in order to relive the glory days of our post-vietnam triumph over Nixon. Some may complain that this is the second time Democrats have forced our victorious troops to shoulder the burden of defeat. However, Bush's toadies in theater (Iraqi soldiers, police, etc.) must not benefit from this illegal war. Neither should our allies around the world continue to count on America to stand by them in crisis. There are bridges collapsing in the Minnesota that we love!
2. We shall forever support a woman's right to choose to have her baby eviscerated as it emerges into the gloved hands of a licensed physician. We also shall forever oppose the execution of the cruelest of murderers. Life (real life) is infinitely precious, after all.
3.We commit ourselves to the protection of our pristine, never-changing environment. How can any voter compare concerns about the price of gasoline, the threat of spiralling inflation, or the dangers of mercury-filled light bulbs to the imminent destruction of our planet? Even the historically abnormal cold of this past year should only strengthen our resolve to confiscate 1.2 trillion dollars from businesses which can afford it easily.
4.We will enforce fairness in broadcast radio by causing thousands of "talk-radio" stations to abandon their propagandistic programming and revert to their natural role as country-western and all-Jesus-all-the-time outlets. This is to protect America from the incipient fascism of Rush Limbaugh.
5.Finally, we will ensure that the judiciary continues to exercise ultimate Legislative and Executive decision-making authority over the American people (who probably won't notice). How much more efficient it is to invest such power in lawyers than to waste years convincing tens of millions of simpletons of the wisdom of our policies!