On this 4th of July, I urge my fellow Americans to exercise tolerance for those with different beliefs than their own. Remember that even though you might have the urge to get caught up in the dangerous flag-waving nationalism of the day, Europe is watching. At least try to make a good impression.
And so, in the spirit of this most important day in our history, I offer the following tips to the less polished of our citizens:
If you insist on drinking low-grade domestic beer, pour it into a glass or at least a paper cup. Extend your pinkie when drinking the swill. These moves will not change the awful taste, but they will lend an air of sophistication.
If you must wave a flag, ask yourself these questions: Does it really need to be an American flag? Am I doing my part to further the notions of diversity, tolerance, and inclusion by mindlessly swinging the American flag around? How might this make the hard-working, undocumented citizens who are all around me feel? Furthermore, what about using the flags of other, culturally-equal countries like Venezuela, Indonesia, or Chad–don’t they deserve representation?
Are fireworks really the way to show the American spirit? How about circling up the family for a rousing go at a pinata?
Hot dogs and apple pie? Can anyone say “cliche`?” At the Obama house, our wait staff puts out a diverse array of food–including quiche, hummus, and Chilean sea bass–that truly paints a gastronomic picture of what Independence Day means to the average American.
I know you will do your part to help to me unite this soon-to-be-great country of ours. Be on your best behavior.
This message has been brought to you by the Obama In ‘08 campaign.
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