Barack Obama takes the oath of office at noon today. It's a big deal. MSNBC is portraying it as a New American Revolution, CNN is portraying it as a racial milestone, and Fox News made two million dollars selling Inaugural barf bags on their web site.
Barack Obama will sit in the presidential box on Pennsylvania Avenue today and review the Inaugural Parade in his honor. The cameras will be on him for hours. This will be longest he's gone without a cigarette since he was in the sixth grade.
The Weather Channel reported bitterly cold weather in Washington D.C. during the holiday weekend extending into Inaugural Day. Nobody liked the conditions. It was so cold during the Lincoln Memorial concert Sunday that people threw shoes at Al Gore.
Joe Biden's wife let it slip on Oprah Monday that her husband was offered both the vice presidency and Secretary of State. Hillary must be annoyed. She was the Democratic party's second choice for president, she was Barack Obama's second choice for Secretary of State, and she only sees her husband when she pays his speaking fees.
Nancy Pelosi said Sunday she's open to pursuing charges against President Bush on wiretapping and war crimes. She didn't want to investigate him in office. He had forty thousand ICBMs under his control and she feared for the safety of San Francisco.
Barack Obama was sworn in as the president of the United States on the Capitol steps despite the cold. He said he wanted the ceremony outside no matter what the weather. He is not going to start his administration by betraying his people, smokers.
Barack Obama took office Tuesday amid a crashing stock market and two overseas wars. He's been saddled with unreasonably high expectations. Five years ago this man was an unknown Illinois lawmaker and today he's President Abraham Luther Roosevelt.
Barack Obama gave a somber Inaugural address Tuesday. The longer he talked, the lower the stock market fell. At the rate he's going he'll be giving his State of the Union address next month on the wing of a U.S. Airways jetliner in the Hudson River.
Kellogg's recalled its peanut butter sandwich crackers Monday due to salmonella poisoning in the peanuts. It's no accident. Jimmy Carter is trying to poison the American people out of resentment that George W. Bush got two terms and he only got one.
Caroline Kennedy withdrew her name for U.S. Senator from New York Wednesday. It's clear what happened. Senator Robert Byrd hit on her at the inauguration and she decided she doesn't want to deal with his unwanted advances for the next twenty years.
Hillary Clinton was sworn in as Secretary of State Wednesday after she passed Senate confirmation. She took the oath with her left hand resting on the Clinton Family Bible. It took her ten minutes to untangle her fingers from all the loopholes.
The Secret Service rolled out President Obama's new Cadillac limo Tuesday which can withstand a direct hit from an asteroid. It's a work in progress. They add two extra inches of armored plating every time he compares himself to Lincoln or Kennedy.
Caroline Kennedy withdrew her bid for the New York Senate seat Thursday. There were reports of a nanny problem and a marital problem. If her husband is sleeping with the nanny, psychiatrists are right when they say that women marry their fathers.
- - Argus Hamilton
Barack Obama plans on issuing an executive order right away. He is going to close Guantanamo Bay. He says he needs the money for new prisons to hold Democratic mayors and governors.
A lot of celebrities are in Washington for the inauguration. In fact, so many celebrities are out of town, over in Malibu they had to close the Promises rehab center for the week.
- - Leno
Some people are angry that the inauguration festivities are going to cost $170 million. After hearing about it, Oprah said, “Don’t worry — this one’s on me.”
Bill Clinton got the biggest response from the crowd. Apparently, thousands of women yelled, “That’s him, officer!”
Earlier today, President Obama, Vice President Joe Biden, and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton all appeared together at a press conference. There was an awkward moment when both men realized they were wearing the same suit as Hillary.
- - Conan O'Brien
I’m actually surprised Obama has a limousine. I thought he’d go to work on a magical unicorn, galloping through traffic.
The inauguration was very emotional. The liberals in the crowd haven’t cried this much since they spilled their lattes in their Priuses.
After a short hearing today, Hillary Clinton was unexpectedly confirmed as secretary of state. Bill Clinton was so surprised he fell off his intern.
Today was Hillary Clinton’s first day as secretary of state. She’s now in charge of all foreign affairs. Bill Clinton will still handle all domestic affairs.
- - Craig Ferguson
Hotels in Washington, D.C., are overbooked. A lot of VIPs have no place to stay. Things are so bad, Bill and Hillary Clinton have to share a room.
- - Jimmy Kimmel
--------------------------------------------------------------
Headlines on This Date 4 Years Ago:
"Republicans spending $42 million on inauguration while troops die in unarmored Humvees"
"Bush extravagance exceeds any reason during tough economic times"
"Fat cats get their $42 million inauguration party, ordinary Americans get the shaft"
Headlines Today:
"Historic Obama Inauguration will cost only $120 million"
"Obama Spends $120 million on inauguration; America needs a big party"
"Everyman Obama shows America how to celebrate"
"Citibank executives contribute $8 million to Obama Inauguration"
-------------------------------------------------------------- |
.png)
